Eleven Months

Picked up an 11 Month Chip at "Between Shows"... Not for me, but for the newcomer to see some recovery in progress... Been sticking close to meetings as a lot has been going down at work... And I don't like change... And rather than drown my fears in tequila, I'm having Happy Hour at the ClubHouse... Today's reading was the conclusion of Bill's Story in the Big Book. Reminds me that a person can define their own God... To get them out of their self-centeredness and to allow hope... Today, I sat in the light...

A Monday Check In

Here's where I was yesterday... I went to an early morning Sunday meeting. There were only three of us. And that was just perfect... We read Step 11 in the "12 & 12" which to me boils down to: Prayer = Asking. Meditation = Listening... I've shared recently that I am completely in touch with the fact that the caregiving that I do at work can completely deplete me. And that I would cluelessly use alcohol to mask and medicate myself. I was a resentment collector, saving up all the angst for the first next opportunity for "binge night at the local dive bar". Now, since working the steps, I find that I'm working harder at more quickly "letting go" of resentments as I go along, and not saving them up at all... Very interesting how it works.... Meanwhile, I do have more than my fair share of work-induced anxiety, and that annoying knot feeling is another reminder that I need to be alert to the temptation to medicate it with alcohol... One day at a time.... Including today, where I am headed to a an early morning meeting before launching the work week. I'm grateful that it's there...

100 Days: Feelin the Love

Well, today is Day 100... Most people stop actually counting days at day 90 and then begin denoting their Anniversary date by Months and then Years... But the number "100" is round enough and important sounding enough that I plan to denote it today... LOL... The fact that 100 days has gone by without me drinking alcohol and going to hang out at the local dive bar is a miracle unto itself... I'm still in the midst of attending and speaking at the various month-end Anniversary Meetings at the four places I've attended the most during these early days of my recovery... Makes you feel a bit like a rock star! LOL... So, I have quite a few tokens and chips given to me by group leaders (and very kind individuals) in each meeting. Some meetings present a greeting card signed by all the members in attendance... Some friends in the program, gave me a card on the side... And each involves some kind of cake as a birthday gift!... Sweet traditions all... All of these "gifts of sobriety" challenge this recipient to start "letting in the love"... I attended my first Business Meeting yesterday of what I consider to be my Home Group.... It's the first step for me in putting my toe in the water of a service commitment... Will be heading back to work soon and will need to adjust my meeting schedule significantly.... But I trust it will all work out a day at time... One more Anniversary Meeting this weekend...

90th Day: Quite Remarkable

Had a quite remarkable day 90 in my recovery... I made an early morning meeting and cried as I shared my day count. This landmark of self care is a milestone for someone who so often lives outside himself, caring for others, was moving to me... Then, a later morning meeting where I was unexpectedly asked to qualify on my 90th day... This was a gift. And frankly, I was glad it was last minute, and I had no time to plan or over organize and just let it flow (Let go and let God)... My sponsor sent an email that his day schedule was abruptly changed and he wanted to move my 5th Step appointment with him forward by three hours... *Perfect*, as it meant I could attend the Clubhouse Meeting later that has been the most integral meeting in my recovery so far.... Lesson of my 5th Step?: It's no big deal. And all our once powerful secrets are disarmed by sharing them with another...When I came home, I added to my notes and let flow a more complete list of specific character defects that came up in my 4th and 5th steps. I'll need this list soon in my continuing step work.... Then to the Clubhouse, where I had the surprise opporunity to chair my first meeting... (There's a 90 day sobriety requirement to chair at this particular meeting). It was the one "open meeting" of the week, and I read the next chapter of "Living Sober" and then conducted the meeting. This meeting is especially important to me, as I remember the first meeting I attended here, and how I was sitting alone and very unhappy in the back of the room. Today, I was in the front of the room, and happy. A gift of sobriety and working the program... So my Day 90 was quite a day.... What comes next??..... Day 91 comes next. Day at a time...

Day 88: That's How it Works

I frequently share in meetings how I've been enjoying all the meetings in my first 90 days of recovery. It's been like a graduate course in recovery, often with several classes (meetings) per day... And some field trips... Yesterday, I went up to Harlem for the annual "Members with 55 Years Plus of Continuous Sobriety" meeting (sponsored by the Harlem Big Book Study Committee)... The speakers offered a combined 232 years of continuous experience, strength and hope... I almost didn't mind that the church wasn't air-conditioned... One man, Melvin B, spoke of having dined with Bill W and having taken photos of him that have since been published... Melvin also worked on several AA Approved literature pieces as well as materials for Hazeldon... The meeting included a countdown recognizing all in attendance from 64 years to one day... I've already shared about this meeting at two other meetings, And it hasn't even been 24 hours since it started yesterday with the reading of the Preamble... Other ways that it works were demonstrated yesterday: I called the Intergroup main phone number for details about the meeting and the phone was answered by a distinctive voice that I've heard qualify twice in meetings (Carl)... On the way to the meeting, a regular meeting friend was magically standing right there next to me on the same subway car and walked me to the meeting in an unfamiliar neighborhood... Along "the scenic route" he promised, and when we arrived, he introduced me to his sponsor who has well over 50 years continuous sobriety at age 85... And then, at the meeting, I saw and greeted three other people from the ClubHouse meeting I attend regularly... That's how it works, you see...

Day 85: Cleansing Effect

Already made a morning meeting and shared my day count of 85 days to snappy applause... I'm usually the only day counter at this particular meeting, so I hear loads of recovery... I shared that I have been feeling crappy these last two humid days. My malaise has not been that far off from the feeling of a hangover... While I know I need to upgrade my diet from junk to higher fiber goodness, I appreciate that I will feel better soon... And I fully acknowledged that I used to be responsible for causing *real* hangovers by choosing to binge drink at the local dive bar on a regular basis. The revelation reminds me why I'm not drinking today... Also, I shared that I have set up an appointment to do a 5th Step with my sponsor in the coming days... So, while the meeting topic was today's meditation about "Cleaning House" in "Daily Reflections", (Step 8)... I can relate to that same cleansing effect already, right where I'm at in Steps 4 and 5... The steps are quite magical like that...

Day 81 Snap, Snap Snap

Still counting those days... Clap, clap, clap. Still attending meetings. One, two, or three a day. Clap, clap, clap... "Meeting makers make it". I see that... I hear it constantly from the meeting makers themselves, and the slippers invariably share that they started distancing themselves from meetings before they relapsed... So I persevere... Working those brilliantly designed steps, too.... Lately, I've been writing a Step 4. Will ask my sponsor, today, to set up a Step 5 meeting with me soon. It's the only way that I'll stop the Step 4 process, otherwise, I could write it forever. LOL! ...I'll do it soon and can always do another 4 and 5 if needed... Today is day 81. Clap, clap, clap. Well actually, snap, snap, snap... As the 8am meeting attended today... (Where I shared my day count) is "a snap meeting", where you snap your fingers as to respect the neighbors in the building at such an early hour... Snap, snap, snap.

Day 74: It's Off the Table

The only shot or brew I'm allowing myself these days is the shot of caffeinated coffee in my decaff iced coffee.... Yesterday, while walking to my second meeting of the day with a super size Dunkin Donuts iced brew in hand, I noticed a brand new Liquor Store has opened right in the neighborhood. How lovely.... In the old days (not that long ago), I would have walked in there to chat with the owner and to survey his prices. If he was offering a really good price on Patron', I might very well have bought a case... As I shared in the afternoon meeting to laughter, I'm grateful that the idea of buying liquor for myself is off the table today... It makes my life a whole lot simpler when I can just walk on by and focus on other things in life... Today is Day 74.

Day 70: Keeping it Simple

Attended a morning meeting that I'd never attended before. 8 AM. And it was a whole new format and crowd to me... They say that because it's an early morning meeting instead of clapping they snap their fingers... (Needless to say, I forgot each time and clapped before I snapped!) Wednesday's overall topic for this daily meeting was to be "Gratitude". They read from As Bill Sees It, and that was also a first for me, as well... The page was on "keeping it simple" and like yesterday, chaos became a sort of sub-theme of the day. I realized that I'm addicted to chaos... I look for it... I seek it... Nothing was more chaotic than my happy hour bar where the drunken bartender could pour the liquor over-flowing all over the bar and then fall down a set of concrete stairs at the end of his shift... And hangovers guaranteed the same nauseous state of seeking more chaos... I'm grateful that I can keep it simple and avoid chaos... And when in doubt, just don't drink and go to meetings... That keeps it completely simple for me! Avoiding Chaos, (Kaos) it's not just for Maxwell Smart anymore... I shared, and identified myself as being a first-timer at the meeting and also shared my day count of 70 days today...

Day 69: No Longer the Child of Chaos

One guy mentioned at a morning meeting that he was a "child of chaos". He mentioned that the term somewhere is in the literature... I can relate: Growing up in a household where chaos ruled the day... The nightly dinner table was the most notable spot to breed chaos... Sooo, it's in my programming to seek chaos. The game was find CHAOS, then to drink over it! Whether it's sticking my nose into other people's transactions at the store. Suggesting human resources adjustments to a manager... Or engaging in escalating batty conversation with the dog-hating psycho woman that lives down my block and often throws open her window to yell threats and epithets daily... But today, I've learned to not be provoked and to just walk away from all the chaos. In sobriety, I don't have to act or react, I can choose serenity and live peace.

Day 68 Luxury Problems

One of the "benefits" (although that may appear to be an unfortunate word choice) of these AA meetings that I'm attending near Times Square, is that I hear sooo many stories of people who are really struggling with major, and sometimes life-or-death challenges... The "benefit" I get from these shares is the reminder that all my problems today are really luxury problems. I'm so grateful to have: 1) a roof, 2) good health and 3) food; All are available to me today. All the rest of my problems, no matter how I may focus on them, are luxuries in the grand scheme of things... My Higher Power puts these people in my path every day to remind me to enjoy the gratitude... But still, I feel a little guilty about it sometimes. And I accept that, too... I shared my day count of 68 days at the meeting this morning. There was a newcomer there with 40+ days today, so I wasn't alone in the day-counting dept.

Day 67

Went to an Anniversary Meeting at AlAnon House... TONS of sobriety between three speaker/ celebrants. Room was packed and I was the only one counting days! Amazing... One regular shared how he put down a drink at a park right near my apt in 1985 and went over and admitted himself into detox at Roosevelt Hospital across the street. He's been sober ever since. I'll think of that story often when I walk past that now renovated park... Another celebrant (that I know from another group) introduced me to his wife after the meeting... I've been doing a couple meetings a day most days... And at least one every day right here in my neighborhood... Usually on 46th Street, where there are (conveniently) soooo many meeting places and times. It's a gift to have meetings such a short walk away. And folks in sobriety, including my sponsor, assure me it's a gift if I never relapse. Two of the celebrants never relapsed and know the gift of first time AA sobriety. They all also talked a lot about Higher Power and how they couldn't do it without belief and the help from a Higher Power... As for me, I always had a Higher Power... But I never asked God to help with sobriety til arriving in the program 67 days ago. Up til then, I was looking to a Lower Power to keep me in a fog..... I'm 67 days sober today, and for that, I'm grateful.

Day 64

Have remained committed to doing an AA meeting (or two) a day... And it feels good to keep that commitment to myself... I shared in a mtg yesterday about my day of stumbling on a "new dive bar" while stolling thru Soho yesterday... Well, new to me and I immediately fixated on it, and my regular habit of wanting to visit just these kinds of places during my summer vacations. Over the years, my main blog has been filled with overt (and covert) references to such places... Fortunately, today, I don't need to "go there"... Had I done so, I certainly would NOT have enjoyed the spontaneous afternoon visit with friend who was having "a down day" after a recent chemo treatment. Instead, I enjoyed a yogurt smoothie with her and was able to brighten her day and keep her mind off her health troubles for a while. It brightened my day, too... A dive bar visit? Not so much... Was day 63 yesterday and no one had offered me a 60 day chip yet... So, I asked and I received... Felt a little silly as it's nothing more than a good luck charm.... But it's a better collection to have than "dive bar visit reviews"... Today is Day 64 and I'm definitely headed to a neighborhood meeting today. ..

Day 55 Meeting & Gratitude List

Was feeling antsy midday after spending the day at home doing chores... So, I decided to wander over to a clubhouse meeting rather than wait for the usual 4pm one at that same spot... Was especially good as it was a beginner's meeting and pretty small. Everyone talked strong recovery... about the importance of meetings and not drinking a day at time... The speaker had 2.5 years after many "geographics" in his life, and each "geographic" eventually lead to a relapse... And had been incarcerated several times for thinks he did while drunk... The chair was an alcoholic and self-described "cracktologist" (with six mos) who ended the meeting stressing the importance of God in his recovery. At 4am when he needs help it wasn't always easy to get someone on the phone. He needed to turn it all over to a higher power in order to ask for help on a daily basis. Sometimes many times daily... He pointed to the signs on the clubhouse walls which read "Easy Does It" and "First Things First" and said "not a single sign sez 'Over-analyze how it works' or 'Think a lot about this program.' He believes in giving it to God in order to beat his addictions as his years of "thinking" got him nowhere. At this meeting day counters from 0-29 days shared first, 30-59 shared second, and then 60-90. Then to a "show of hands." I read "How It Works" aloud at the beginning of the meeting, and someone else read "The Promises" right before the Serenity Prayer at the end. Today is my 55th day in recovery.

I am grateful... For a good meeting today; Getting a slew of chores accomplished today; no urge to drink alcohol today; the thought of the taste of tequila seems distasteful today; the satisfying feeling that I am replacing my old habits with newer healthier ones, a day at a time.

Days 53 & 54

Sooo glad to be back at my regular meetings in midtown Manhattan. What a gift to be able to walk to meetings at just about any time of day... Kind of amazing, actually... Still counting days... I've been the first to share at the last two meetings... And I appreciate that they are usually small meetings with ample time to share regularly. As a newcomer, I have found that to be an important requisite.. To find small meetings, share often, and break the isolation. Today is day 54. Am grateful for ALL of the above! Clap, clap, clap...

Days 51 & 52 Meetings and Gratitude List

Still sober... More thoughts on these meetings down here in this small burg in Maryland... Part of the difference, and I think it's huge, is that a large percentage of the attendees seem to be court ordered... There is a procession in the beginning of the meeting of people putting blue cards on the front desk that are rubber stamped by the stern-looking "tough love" chairman... A whole different dynamic than the NYC meetings where most people are there because they brought themselves to the meeting because they have accepted powerlessness... Now, I don't mean to take anyone else's inventory, but in the round robin clearly most of these blue paper people would "pass" on thier turns to share and couldn't wait to get out of there... Most left early... Not that they are bad people. Not that they aren't exactly where they need to be. And not I am not granting that "Acceptance is the answer..."... Just sayin that it adds an icy dimension to the whole meeting character that I find unsatisfying... But I'll be back among beloved New York drunks soon enough... Tomorrow in fact, and will surely hit a meeting straight away... A shout out to my sponsor who was kind enough to keep in touch with me during the road trip. Thanks, pal... Today, I am grateful... * That my folks are in relatively good health and relatively good spirits today... * For morning bird chirps... * the best little doggy in the whole wide world and his joyful rolling in the grass... * Deer... * Public library Internet access. Free, too!...

Days 48, 49, and 50 Meetings & Gratitude List

I'm on a road trip to see the family... I fully acknowkledge that I'm completely spoiled by NYC where I can walk to a meeting at any time of day in any part of town... Here in the boonies, they are fewer and farther between, and despite the fact that cell coverage is spotty, I have managed several important chats with my sponsor... The meetings are all "strange"... Stuff we do at the break, and at the end of the meeting they do first... And they close with the Lord's Prayer which seems ghastly too-denominational to me... But when in Rome... Anyway... So, I'm sober. Today is day 50... Not sure how much longer I'll be here before I flee back to the greatest city in the world... Stay tuned... Today, I am grateful... * For a little computer time at the local public library. * For the fortitude to attend meetings even though they aren't familiar to me... * For time to read... * For a happy doggy. * For the good health of my loved ones today!

Day 47 Meeting and Gratitude List

Hit a morning meeting today... Several newcomers on hand. This little meeting in the Times Square area never ceases to amaze with a revolving roster of visitors from out of town and/or other NYC meetings. Actually, it's in a building where one of my theatrical Directors used to live over top of a strip joint. So that doorway provides other memories, including lots of booze and smoke available at his parties in the 1980's and 1990's.... I needed to hear today's speaker's experience, strength and hope with the first and second steps, particularly... That was the thrust of his share... As for my own share, I told the group this would be my last time here for a few days while I hit the road trip... Am having a hard time locating meetings located exactly where I'll be for most of the time during the time slots that I can attend... But I'm sure it'll work out... Meanwhile, I've alerted my sponsor here in NY that we may need to to a telephone meeting together if I can't hit a meeting on any given day... He's cool with that. I am grateful... * That I was able to get to a meeting today. * That, today, I am able to trust that all will be fine with working the program for the next few days on the road. * For a strong sense of a higher power, today. * For all the birthday cards, wishes, and greetings I've received as of today. * For air-conditioning.

Day 46 Meeting & Gratitude List

Shared at this morning's meeting that it's my birthday. The REAL one... Which lead to loads of "Happy Birthdays" from the fellow meeting-goers... Which lead to me saying that I've never really felt happy on it. Always in the shadow of the Fourth, this has been hangover day... While most friends are all off somewhere still celebrating the 4th, I'm actually perfectly content to enjoy some ME time... The challenge will come this week when I travel home to see the folks, as one program person has stated: "Nothing puts Miracle Grow on your character defects like family"... I'll spend some time today making a list of Maryland meetings while I have unfettered Internet access at home... It's a milestone, though, that this will be my first birthday in Sobriety... As I have joked to some friends... I drank enough in the first 50 years... I am grateful... * that I'm a healthy 51 today. * that I'm a healthy 46 days today * that there's a healthy doggy curled on my lap as I type this today. * that my folks are healthy today. * a healthy lunch today.

Day 45 Meeting

45th on the 4th! Got to a morning meeting at a place I hadn't been for a couple of weeks. The topic was sponsorship. I shared that I have one now, although for the first 30 days of recovery, the very thought of asking anyone to be my sponsor seemed too pathetic an idea to me... Now, it seems pathetic not to have asked someone to be my sponsor. Although it's not a procedure mentioned in the Big Book, sponsorship has become an integral part of the program. It's about "asking for help". Something that I have a very hard tome doing. Bought some 12 Step goodies at a nice shop called Choices after the meeting. I'll be back to that store, I'm sure!