Eight Months Today

Just checking in... Today is my eighth month without alcohol and working the steps. I've worked them all at least once and continue to work them as needed... My life has changed in sooo many ways. And I'm getting much better at the "day at a time" thing... Which I believe is one of the keys to a good life... I continue to attend meetings regularly, I chair a meeting each week, and I find that keeping up this sobriety blog hasn't been a priority. That's ok... Today, I am enjoying a richer life...

Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic

Here's an interview with the author of Understanding the High- Functioning Alcoholic. The book, by Sarah Allen Benton is what convinced me to realize that I qualified for the program...

Her website is www.highfunctioningalcoholic.com

My First Sober Thanksgiving

Am at the Center Garden where I paused to write this blog post after a long walk on a very mild Thanksgiving evening... Had a very lazy afternoon. And that's perfectly fine... Determined to get a better grasp on the "day at a time" concept: I didn't make any advance plans for today and decided to just let the day flow on its own. I napped much of the afternoon... Then coincidentally wound up chairing the Thanksgiving AA Meeting at my home group, which was small but powerful. One guy shared that he had just put his dog to sleep and was able to express cogent gratitude. Another guy I've seen around the room many times was back with one day sober after a relapse. All amazing stuff... Have set out to make this Thanksgiving unique. So far so good. I ate at the Amish Market for the first time. A perfect and simple Thanksgiving feast... And have just walked to Chelsea down the lights of Broadway and through Herald Square... Called my parents and brother as I strolled and am thankful that all are healthy... I'll attend my first Big Meeting (as part of the opening festivities of the Big Apple Roundup)... Will get their workshop schedule, and other details abut the rest of the weekend's activities. All new to me... I walked past a LOT of open bars as I walked here and had no desire to belly up and have a beer... It's too great of a Thanksgiving Day not to be sober.

Six Months: All to the Good!

Today marks my sixth month anniversary of putting down alcohol. I'm celebrating by chairing a meeting at my home group later... Will also find my way to an Anniversary Meeting soon where they give out  monthly chips (Not all meetings around here do. Actually, few do!)...
My life is changing and has changed dramatically... All to the good...
Happy Anniversary to Me!!

Bill W Dinner

I attended the 75th Annual Bill W Dinner at the New York Hilton Hotel last night. I sat with my new friends from my home group. A fun time was had by all.

My Doggy Died

Have been struggling to find any gratitude in the sudden passing of my beloved young doggy on Friday. Came over to the Museum of Modern Art to see the "Monet Water Lillies" and find myself meditating in the Sculpture Garden and suddenly feel compelled to let a gratitude list flow: *For six years of loyalty, joy, laughs, licks, cuddles, and love.* For feeling closer than ever to my Higher Power right now...* For the love and support of many friends. Especially the dog people. And the unfamiliar ability to let that love in.* The valuable lesson that it's okay to cry with others...* That he suffered as little as possible and it was quick.* That I know that he is exactly where he needs to be right now, and that the emotions will eventually catch up to make acceptance complete because acceptance is the answer.* That I had the ability to have full-time quality time with him before his final sudden turn and I got to see him off in my arms keeping my commitment fully.* That I had/have meetings to stick close to during this difficult time.* That I was sober throughout and am remaining so today...* That I had the opportunity to prove to myself that I could be a loving dad, a responsible and thorough pet owner. * To exercise the capability to give and receive unconditional love from another.* That it's okay to feel emotionally devastated.* The innate awareness that this, too, shall pass. And especially if I don't choose to medicate the uncomfortable feelings today.* The reminder that life is short and a profound reminder to live one day at a time to the fullest.

Purple Chip!

Picked a four month chip yesterday. One of the meetings I attend regularly does the chip thing to celebrate every month in the first year. (Most New York meetings seem to skip from 90 days to one year, and then yearly)...  The chairman explains that we pick up these chips not for ourselves, but to show the newcomer that sobriety is within reach... So I got me a purple four month chip!... The last meeting of the month brought along the coterie of Anniversary speakers: one with 90 days, three with one year, one with three years, and one with 25 years... One speaker noted that we are ALL just as close to the next drink... Another pointed out that she reaffirms daily: "No matter what, I will not pick up a drink or a drug today! No matter what!.... This too shall pass". That mantra has worked well for her for 25 years and counting...

Service!

Just passed my fourth month of sobriety and I've just accepted my first serious service commitment... I'll be chairing a weekend meeting at my home group... One of the most valuable tools of the program...

Four Months

Today marks four months since I used alcohol.

A Monday Check In

Here's where I was yesterday... I went to an early morning Sunday meeting. There were only three of us. And that was just perfect... We read Step 11 in the "12 & 12" which to me boils down to: Prayer = Asking. Meditation = Listening... I've shared recently that I am completely in touch with the fact that the caregiving that I do at work can completely deplete me. And that I would cluelessly use alcohol to mask and medicate myself. I was a resentment collector, saving up all the angst for the first next opportunity for "binge night at the local dive bar". Now, since working the steps, I find that I'm working harder at more quickly "letting go" of resentments as I go along, and not saving them up at all... Very interesting how it works.... Meanwhile, I do have more than my fair share of work-induced anxiety, and that annoying knot feeling is another reminder that I need to be alert to the temptation to medicate it with alcohol... One day at a time.... Including today, where I am headed to a an early morning meeting before launching the work week. I'm grateful that it's there...

A Grape Juice Toast to a Sober Work Year Ahead

This is my first day of a brand new work year... And I'm Sober! While I began getting sober during the end of the last work year... I've never launched a new work year (with all the changes, lack of control, challenges, personalities, politics, anticipation anxiety, authority figures, lifestyle changes and fear) without medicating myself... * I'm grateful to have a job at a time when so many do not. * I'm grateful for having had a summer off to self care and to enjoy several meetings a day, study the literature, develop a network of support, and to cleanse my body of the ill effects of binge drinking.... * I'm grateful for the knowledge that the challenge begins a day at a time. * I'm grateful for a morning Round Robin meeting that's along the walk to work, that I plan to stop in today to launch the work year on a bright and positive note. * I'm grateful for Twenty Four Hours A Day for a morning meditation to help launch my day... Here we go...

100 Days: Feelin the Love

Well, today is Day 100... Most people stop actually counting days at day 90 and then begin denoting their Anniversary date by Months and then Years... But the number "100" is round enough and important sounding enough that I plan to denote it today... LOL... The fact that 100 days has gone by without me drinking alcohol and going to hang out at the local dive bar is a miracle unto itself... I'm still in the midst of attending and speaking at the various month-end Anniversary Meetings at the four places I've attended the most during these early days of my recovery... Makes you feel a bit like a rock star! LOL... So, I have quite a few tokens and chips given to me by group leaders (and very kind individuals) in each meeting. Some meetings present a greeting card signed by all the members in attendance... Some friends in the program, gave me a card on the side... And each involves some kind of cake as a birthday gift!... Sweet traditions all... All of these "gifts of sobriety" challenge this recipient to start "letting in the love"... I attended my first Business Meeting yesterday of what I consider to be my Home Group.... It's the first step for me in putting my toe in the water of a service commitment... Will be heading back to work soon and will need to adjust my meeting schedule significantly.... But I trust it will all work out a day at time... One more Anniversary Meeting this weekend...

90th Day: Quite Remarkable

Had a quite remarkable day 90 in my recovery... I made an early morning meeting and cried as I shared my day count. This landmark of self care is a milestone for someone who so often lives outside himself, caring for others, was moving to me... Then, a later morning meeting where I was unexpectedly asked to qualify on my 90th day... This was a gift. And frankly, I was glad it was last minute, and I had no time to plan or over organize and just let it flow (Let go and let God)... My sponsor sent an email that his day schedule was abruptly changed and he wanted to move my 5th Step appointment with him forward by three hours... *Perfect*, as it meant I could attend the Clubhouse Meeting later that has been the most integral meeting in my recovery so far.... Lesson of my 5th Step?: It's no big deal. And all our once powerful secrets are disarmed by sharing them with another...When I came home, I added to my notes and let flow a more complete list of specific character defects that came up in my 4th and 5th steps. I'll need this list soon in my continuing step work.... Then to the Clubhouse, where I had the surprise opporunity to chair my first meeting... (There's a 90 day sobriety requirement to chair at this particular meeting). It was the one "open meeting" of the week, and I read the next chapter of "Living Sober" and then conducted the meeting. This meeting is especially important to me, as I remember the first meeting I attended here, and how I was sitting alone and very unhappy in the back of the room. Today, I was in the front of the room, and happy. A gift of sobriety and working the program... So my Day 90 was quite a day.... What comes next??..... Day 91 comes next. Day at a time...

Day 88: That's How it Works

I frequently share in meetings how I've been enjoying all the meetings in my first 90 days of recovery. It's been like a graduate course in recovery, often with several classes (meetings) per day... And some field trips... Yesterday, I went up to Harlem for the annual "Members with 55 Years Plus of Continuous Sobriety" meeting (sponsored by the Harlem Big Book Study Committee)... The speakers offered a combined 232 years of continuous experience, strength and hope... I almost didn't mind that the church wasn't air-conditioned... One man, Melvin B, spoke of having dined with Bill W and having taken photos of him that have since been published... Melvin also worked on several AA Approved literature pieces as well as materials for Hazeldon... The meeting included a countdown recognizing all in attendance from 64 years to one day... I've already shared about this meeting at two other meetings, And it hasn't even been 24 hours since it started yesterday with the reading of the Preamble... Other ways that it works were demonstrated yesterday: I called the Intergroup main phone number for details about the meeting and the phone was answered by a distinctive voice that I've heard qualify twice in meetings (Carl)... On the way to the meeting, a regular meeting friend was magically standing right there next to me on the same subway car and walked me to the meeting in an unfamiliar neighborhood... Along "the scenic route" he promised, and when we arrived, he introduced me to his sponsor who has well over 50 years continuous sobriety at age 85... And then, at the meeting, I saw and greeted three other people from the ClubHouse meeting I attend regularly... That's how it works, you see...

Day 85: Cleansing Effect

Already made a morning meeting and shared my day count of 85 days to snappy applause... I'm usually the only day counter at this particular meeting, so I hear loads of recovery... I shared that I have been feeling crappy these last two humid days. My malaise has not been that far off from the feeling of a hangover... While I know I need to upgrade my diet from junk to higher fiber goodness, I appreciate that I will feel better soon... And I fully acknowledged that I used to be responsible for causing *real* hangovers by choosing to binge drink at the local dive bar on a regular basis. The revelation reminds me why I'm not drinking today... Also, I shared that I have set up an appointment to do a 5th Step with my sponsor in the coming days... So, while the meeting topic was today's meditation about "Cleaning House" in "Daily Reflections", (Step 8)... I can relate to that same cleansing effect already, right where I'm at in Steps 4 and 5... The steps are quite magical like that...

Day 81 Snap, Snap Snap

Still counting those days... Clap, clap, clap. Still attending meetings. One, two, or three a day. Clap, clap, clap... "Meeting makers make it". I see that... I hear it constantly from the meeting makers themselves, and the slippers invariably share that they started distancing themselves from meetings before they relapsed... So I persevere... Working those brilliantly designed steps, too.... Lately, I've been writing a Step 4. Will ask my sponsor, today, to set up a Step 5 meeting with me soon. It's the only way that I'll stop the Step 4 process, otherwise, I could write it forever. LOL! ...I'll do it soon and can always do another 4 and 5 if needed... Today is day 81. Clap, clap, clap. Well actually, snap, snap, snap... As the 8am meeting attended today... (Where I shared my day count) is "a snap meeting", where you snap your fingers as to respect the neighbors in the building at such an early hour... Snap, snap, snap.

Day 74: It's Off the Table

The only shot or brew I'm allowing myself these days is the shot of caffeinated coffee in my decaff iced coffee.... Yesterday, while walking to my second meeting of the day with a super size Dunkin Donuts iced brew in hand, I noticed a brand new Liquor Store has opened right in the neighborhood. How lovely.... In the old days (not that long ago), I would have walked in there to chat with the owner and to survey his prices. If he was offering a really good price on Patron', I might very well have bought a case... As I shared in the afternoon meeting to laughter, I'm grateful that the idea of buying liquor for myself is off the table today... It makes my life a whole lot simpler when I can just walk on by and focus on other things in life... Today is Day 74.

Day 70: Keeping it Simple

Attended a morning meeting that I'd never attended before. 8 AM. And it was a whole new format and crowd to me... They say that because it's an early morning meeting instead of clapping they snap their fingers... (Needless to say, I forgot each time and clapped before I snapped!) Wednesday's overall topic for this daily meeting was to be "Gratitude". They read from As Bill Sees It, and that was also a first for me, as well... The page was on "keeping it simple" and like yesterday, chaos became a sort of sub-theme of the day. I realized that I'm addicted to chaos... I look for it... I seek it... Nothing was more chaotic than my happy hour bar where the drunken bartender could pour the liquor over-flowing all over the bar and then fall down a set of concrete stairs at the end of his shift... And hangovers guaranteed the same nauseous state of seeking more chaos... I'm grateful that I can keep it simple and avoid chaos... And when in doubt, just don't drink and go to meetings... That keeps it completely simple for me! Avoiding Chaos, (Kaos) it's not just for Maxwell Smart anymore... I shared, and identified myself as being a first-timer at the meeting and also shared my day count of 70 days today...

Day 69: No Longer the Child of Chaos

One guy mentioned at a morning meeting that he was a "child of chaos". He mentioned that the term somewhere is in the literature... I can relate: Growing up in a household where chaos ruled the day... The nightly dinner table was the most notable spot to breed chaos... Sooo, it's in my programming to seek chaos. The game was find CHAOS, then to drink over it! Whether it's sticking my nose into other people's transactions at the store. Suggesting human resources adjustments to a manager... Or engaging in escalating batty conversation with the dog-hating psycho woman that lives down my block and often throws open her window to yell threats and epithets daily... But today, I've learned to not be provoked and to just walk away from all the chaos. In sobriety, I don't have to act or react, I can choose serenity and live peace.

Day 68 Luxury Problems

One of the "benefits" (although that may appear to be an unfortunate word choice) of these AA meetings that I'm attending near Times Square, is that I hear sooo many stories of people who are really struggling with major, and sometimes life-or-death challenges... The "benefit" I get from these shares is the reminder that all my problems today are really luxury problems. I'm so grateful to have: 1) a roof, 2) good health and 3) food; All are available to me today. All the rest of my problems, no matter how I may focus on them, are luxuries in the grand scheme of things... My Higher Power puts these people in my path every day to remind me to enjoy the gratitude... But still, I feel a little guilty about it sometimes. And I accept that, too... I shared my day count of 68 days at the meeting this morning. There was a newcomer there with 40+ days today, so I wasn't alone in the day-counting dept.