Sunday, May 31, 2009
Started early with a 10.30AM meeting at the Al-Anon House... Not sure about the baseball bat hanging overhead that sez it was given to them by Bill W in the 1940's... WTF? ... A mouse ran through the meeting. The lady who was sharing at the time shreiked... A guy pointed out later... No one left... "Drunks are tough" ... He got applause... This was an anniversary meeting with a speaker with six years of sobriety... She was in show business and identified as someone that never missed rehearsals and go a few days w/o drinking... I could relate... She sez it took her a while but she completely gets the expression; "Wishing you a slow recovery." ...Well, I don't. I want it now!... I shared that and that I identified with her "high functioning" and that she was also in show business.... I wondered aloud if my career change wasn't a form of geographic... Up and going without exploring why??... I guess I'll get that answer and more as they unfold... Slowly... A slow recovery: that's the take-away for today.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I went straight from today's meeting at the clubhouse to the former address of a divey little gay bar where I'd hang w/ Tony the Bartender on Saturdays about this time of day. It's now been turned into a sober Dunkin Donuts, LOL... So, I sat in the window and had a large iced decaff... Went to the 1.30 beginners meeting at the Clubhouse.... I volunteered to read the pre-amble (or whatever it's called) (My first AA service? LOL). Shared my day count (10) and then the host told me "day counters share first"... So I was off and running in a share... It's easier sharing in small meetings like this and I like these rows of chairs... as there isn't a large circle of people staring you down... Talked of my non-drunk friends trying to talk me out of this (you aren't an alcoholic... you aren't a drunk)... (Forgot about the one that hit me and said you just wanna lose weight!) I haven't even started telling my drinking buddies yet... Also, shared how alcohol didn't really start being a problem til I started using binges to escape my fast racing mind in grad school and a career change around ten yrs ago at age 40. And how I can go to a couple local bars and be greeted with arms punching air and loud laughter, and hugs... One older guy with 30+ years gave me his phone number scribbled on a slip of paper. (That's the first time that happened)... He shared of his major "character defect" being sex (his "character defect sponsor", LOL, pointed it out to him). He said he would take his Higher Power along and say "sit over here and wait for me, and I'll pick you up again after I get busy with this business over here". LOL He said it took him a loooong period time to deal w/ that character defecty.... A young guy who is a multiple user (drink and drugs) pointed out we, as addicts, are very attached to our secrets... That's the take-away: "We are as sick as our secrets" or "we are attached to our secrets"... Watchword: Secrets. (Yikes!).
Friday, May 29, 2009
Back to the Clubhouse on 46th for my sixth meeting in six days. Pretty full at 4pm. Pitch style... then pick. Already seeing familiar faces from other meetings there this week. I dunno if they count each day and each time slot a different meeting or not or if it's one group that meets regularly (is that clear?). One guy shared how it's Friday, and Happy Hour and he realized he likes drunks ... he's drawn to them... Bigger than life and people in meetings seem somber... Everyone laughed. I can sure relate... This is my first Friday Happy Hour since joining the program last week... And I am definitely kinda Jonesing for Joe and the Friday night saloon gang (people, places, things)....But I'm not doing that today... I remember a wise woman saying in a recent mtg at that same clubhouse: "if you keep going to the barbershop, you are gonna get a haircut".... Find myself avoiding choosing those really large gay meetings for now. Dunno why that is, but it's certainly ok... The take away: I like drunk people and am drawn to them", they are definitely the people in people, places, things that I don't need in my life today... Day count shared: 9 days sober. (Message composed on my T-Mobile Sidekick LX 2009 mobile device).
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ran over to the Clubhouse for the 4pm meeting. Rushing from work can make me a few minutes late... And I was surprised when I opened the door to find it pretty packed. It was another of these anniversary-style meetings where several speakers celebrating their annivs qualified... I guess this is a tradition in AA NYC... One guy had 90 days... Two guys had 3 years and spoke of the strong friendships they have made w/ each other and others here at this club, and how it's nice when one of them doesn't show up that they are missed and people ask about them or check up on them... Much like a group of blue collar guys who would meet weekly at a sports bar... Strong comeraderie... That is the take-away from this meeting...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Fabulous meeting... fast moving. Several people celebrating anniversaries from 90 days to 6 years, I think... I recognized one person from television... Shhh. Anonymity is a cornerstone, and etc... Got up and got a 24 hour chip at the chip break! And got a hug from the chip guy (who at first told me he didn't have it)... Funnily, I was mentioning that interesting AA booklet yesterday, and today, they gave it to me here as part of the Beginner's packet... I lied this group and will make a point to visit ... Could become a home group. Not gay per se, but certainly lots of gay folks abound... Need to get there early to get a better seat... Take away: Someone has aging parents that "could very well be dying". "It will be much worse if I drink"... reminds me how many times I bury feelings by heading to the bar to erase everything... Parents...Kids at work, authority figure confrontations, inequity, racism, prejudice... Etc... My first time in that Church building that I always was fascinated with... Not sure I like sitting in this regal church meeting room, but ok...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Went to back to 46th St Clubhouse... Had to wlk dog and race there after a brisk walk home.... But I got there for the very beginning.... They used a booklet that talks about the tools and qustions of newcomers. Not sure what the title was, but I'll recognize it when I see it again... Thing was phone. Several shared how they hate the phone. I got the biggest laughs with my phone hatred (still the people pleasing entertainer)... One lady pointed out she prefers voicemails to bookend tthings and once had a sponsor call her on it. She felt shame but has come to believe that's right for her... It works for her... I needed that.... Went home. Stopped for a coupla errands and was home in plenty of time to relax on the couch. Found myself thinking obsessively about union elections.... And found I was clenching my teeth. Took an ativan to calm me and I slept good.... The Take Away: Ranting cursing loud scary black guy (seemed aimed at all us white folk)... the Intergroup is there for 24 hour phone help. I'll put those nos in my cell now.... Forgot to blog this post til Weds at 3.30p... But I predated it.... Rigorous honesty...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Went to a nice lil 1.30 Memorial Day AA meeting next to the Imperial Theater on 46th St. Hostess Delilah. Lots of supportive crosstalk. LOL. I said "Todd, I'm an alcoholic" a coupla times. Go to a meeting a day and the 90 will take care of itself. Big aha... I could never see the point of one or two drinks. I'd drink to get twisted.... Many here shared they could have a couple and stop if circumstances deemed it... I also shared my High Functioning alkie-ism and how not understanding it caused me denial. (Message composed on my T-Mobile Sidekick LX 2009 mobile device).
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I went to a high noon Sunday morning.... Very large... Saw old friends Ross on the way in (I spoke) and Brian K (!) on the way out (I didn't speak). Take away: "I'm ALWAYS walking away from or toward a drink." 62 year old speaker w/ 26 yrs of sobriety. Lots of 1980's bar and social club love shared here (They have no idea!). Speaker said he was always putting himself in a triangular pattern to the bar w/ bar as a triangle corner and was anti-social. As for me, I was usually a social star... (Stud, Mineshaft, Phoenix, Beast Hole, and Cleos)... The latter was where Donner called me "Mayor of the bar" and Lil' John always declared: "Everybody loves him"... Blogging this now on my 1st ever sober walk uptown from an AA mtg. I spoke enough to "check in" saying it was my 1st time here.... Realized after that wasn't clear it was my very 1st mtg ever... That's fine.... I didn't count day 4... And never said the shorthand "Todd/ Alcoholic".... But there may be time for that!... Did discreetly tear up a coupla times during everyone else's day counts especially...On way home... I always brag that I never had to buy more than one drink. Fact is, I tipped $20-30. The same bartender that was so drunk that today, I folded the donation in the same football shape that I'd use to tip the Bartender. (Message composed on my mobile device).